Thursday, September 30, 2004 | Thursday, September 30, 2004

I am seriously feeling very scared about my future. To put it simply, my prelim results are down in the pits. They suck. But to cry about it now would be a big waste of time.

I remember how on wednesday nathan went through with me a whole list of jobs i can take on if i don't get into NUS and go poly. Jobs like hotel management? Hospitality? I don't want to face the future. Please can i just stop growing up and just stay at age 18? Growing up suddenly seems scary, not at all what i expected looking through my rose-tinted glasses (or rather, lenses) a few years back. 18 sounds old suddenly. It keep echoing in my mind that i'm only 3 years away from being a full-fledged adult.

I know i've been a brat to him recently, with all my mood swings. I'm very sorry ok? Hope you understand.

Watched Saved! just now too, and what the movie covered is..well, a satire of how some christians actually behave. I actually liked it quite alot, cuz what the protagonist goes through, it's hard not to admit that what she questions sometimes has popped into your mind one time or another. Nathan said dourly that the movie's not an accurate portrayal though. Haha.

Saturday, September 25, 2004 | Saturday, September 25, 2004

These past few days have been nothing but pure hard fun. :) So much so that i dread monday coming):

For what i need to do this next last month before A levels, i've thought up an almost-foolproof plan for revision already, better write it here then.

Lit: Consistency's the essential key. Since almost all the quotes from almost all the 6 books have already been nicely written out and compiled (okok still got those dratted john donne poems to argh pick), i'll write them out those quotes, 1 book per week, and pin em nicely on my noticeboard till a levels. 6 weeks=6 books, well done. :) As for the analysis and everything, better get down to compiling and reading up all the stuff i got from all over SOON. Especially gerald's super uber lit notes! Yay.

Geog: Start reading the lect notes in earnest and ask if i don't understand anything (which is plenty for hydro and climo i can tell you). It's just pure memorising for physical and smoking with case studies to back up the smoke with (haha) for human, so you can do it! There's just hydro and climo to conquer!

Econs: My nemesis, the equivalent horror subject to chinese. ): Honestly honestly i suck at econs, so guess the only thing to do now is practise practise and practise writing all sorts of essays, and burden my poor tutor with them, heh. And complete as many mcqs as i can. I've no idea what to do to prepare for drq and case study though. Sigh.

So much for my foolproof plan. It sounded good in my mind though, haha. Forgive the incoherence then, it was all on-the-spot type out.

I really need to do well for A levels. Argh anticipating A levels is like a thousand times worse than anticipating O levels, especially when you know going overseas to study is NOT an option you can dwell on.

Speaking of which, I want to refute whatever Maxine Hong Kingston said in The Woman Warrior, her fiction-autobigraphy. She wrote of how Chinese girls living in America had to "whisper" to make themselves "American-feminine" did she not? Meaning to imply that Chinese girls, in contrast, are loud and coarse. Not true. While me and nat were queueing up for one of the rides at wild wild wet yesterday, this little angmoh girl who looked like she was 11-12 years old asked, no, screamed out at me if the little red spots on my upper body were hickeys. And they were looking at the both of us very, very suspiciously. Goodness. Those spots were heat rashes!!!! I was kinda angry about it initially but thinking about it now, it really is quite funny. :) But, tsktsk, the audacity of small kids these days.

Whew. That's quite an amount typed out. Two days left till monday!

Wednesday, September 22, 2004 | Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Prelims are over. :) Now's the last lap..come on..you know you can do it eunice! That is, after my indulgent break over the weekend till sunday. Muahah.

I really don't want to know how i did for prelims though. I did very nice last minute studying for most of my papers (panic seems to be the only motivation for studying!) so some stuff never did get touched. The human mind is amazing i tell you, sigh; inspite of knowing that last minute studying is never good based on past experience, past past experience and past past past experience, i still do it time and over again.

Oh well, there's always a reason explaining why i always get mediocre grades and why others can get fantastic ones.

But you know what? I think i'd rather have my life than spend my whole teenagehood buried in textbooks and notes. Only please please please..i need to get into NUS. So that means back to step one, which means HARD STUDYING.

But first, for this wed, thurs, fri, sat, sun, it's PARRRTY TIME! Let me outline my party schedule. :)

Wed: Meet nic for movie marathon! Well we haven't actually decided on any good movies we wanna watch, but since she had 8 free tickets which expire 3o sept, we shall put those freebies to good use no matter what, muahahah. Plus i believe we haven't gone out in a long longgg time..so time to familiarise ourselves around orchard again!

Thurs: Wake up LATE. Go tekong in the afternoon to see nat's POP. He's finally passing out from bmt yay! The only downside of it is that i hafta sit by myself throughout the whole parade cuz his parents got the VIP seats but i didn't. The plus side is that he's getting his company best award, which explains why his parents get the VIP treatment and all, haha. In addition, all the hard exercise these past two months means he's got a perfectly well-defined sixpack now. I'm not complaining. :)

Fri: Currently trying to decide on wild wild wet at downtown east or just go straight pure tanning at sentosa. Guess it'll all depend on the sun on that particular day. Only, it better not rain, that's all. Keeping fingers crossed.

Sat: Going for cell FINALLY, only, there's no cell. Sigh. Gonna watch the seeker service skit. :)

That's all i got lined out so far but i assure you and i assure myself that i'll be a complete nerd from monday onwards till 24th nov.

Even as some indiscreet people have made it a point to inform me that i look very ahsoh during the exam period, even as more and more pimples continue to pop out that i've long given up counting, and even as my own mum avoids the subject whenever i demand if i have bad complexion, i will face the annoying a levels and stare it down.

For the revision schedule bit, sigh, may i have the discipline to follow it strictly. Self-discipline was never my strong point.

Okay enough depressing stuff for now. Playtime!!!

Wednesday, September 15, 2004 | Wednesday, September 15, 2004

I don't even know what i'm doing here. All i know is that my brain's so burnt i can't even think straight. Gosh i've 3 lit books to finish by tonight. I don't even want to think about it. Being eighteen sucks.

Monday was horrible horrible horrible. You do NOT want to go into the exam hall nervous and panicking. I swear the paper was shaking violently as i held it reading all the questions. You do not want to read all NINE essay questions and not know how to answer a single one. Ask any lit student. God, it was the last chance i had of gauging my standard before A levels. Now it's gone. Plus, imagine starting off the prelims on that note.

I started my cramps the morning of my first exam, i puked for no reason towards the last days of studying, i haven't been able to stomach breakfast every morning. My very first paper in my pet subject left me in tears for 3 hours. WAD PET SUBJECT. SCRAP LIT ok! I'm a failure!

Maybe..maybe it's just time to start thinking about other options for life.

All that's left now is the feeling of being dumb dumb dumbbbbb.

Thursday, September 02, 2004 | Thursday, September 02, 2004

I feel miserable. Being holed up all day at home with hair sticking out all over agogo-style and pimples popping up like mad all over face..ahh. The wonders the rigourous preparation for a levels do to you.

Symptons: you start thinking about all sorts of weird things past and present (no suicidal ones, no worries) that are so darn distracting aka Joseph's dreamer-persona in Andrew Lloyd Webber's musical Joseph and The Technicoloured Dreamcoat, assortments of malignant fears start to enter (what if i don't get into NUS? life's over), depression hits when you realise this is the kind of life you must have for the next 2 1/2 months.

Silent scream. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!

May i pretty please just quit and go migrate to Sweden where i can somehow persuade them that i'll be a very useful asset to their country so they'll take care of me from cradle-to-grave even if i don't get a job?

No.

Or i could, you know, migrate to NZ and set up a cosy little country-style B&B (Bed & Breakfast) motel for nice friendly motellers (is there such a word?). And the only difficulty i'd ever face is figuring out how to cook an appetising breakfast for them.

No? No.

Fine. Pardon the wishful thinking. Pardon the govt's want of dynamic students rather than robotic ones, pardon MOE's killer syllabus for current a level students (hooray for future luckier souls), pardon S'pore's need for a competent human resource (in the form of the irritatingly abundant straight-4As scholars). Pardon me for my ravings.

I need more coffee.